


not gonna teach your boyfriend how to drive with you

by childrenbehave



Series: Punk'd By Feelings [2]
Category: One Direction (Band), Pop Music RPF
Genre: M/M, Shenanigans, UST, car talk?, we're so very very sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-01
Updated: 2013-02-01
Packaged: 2017-11-27 20:24:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/666145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/childrenbehave/pseuds/childrenbehave
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The way Liam blushes every time someone finds an excuse to use the Punk’d clip, you’d think he’d been the one to have half a tonne of construction material dropped on a replica of his precious car. Louis laughs every time and it’s just a little bit proud. Maybe a lot, actually. [Payback time in the prank war where everything is fine and no one has any feelings, at all, ever.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	not gonna teach your boyfriend how to drive with you

**Author's Note:**

> The chronology is a mess of google search ‘research’, absorbed fanon and actual events twisted to new purpose. You can read it as a stand alone, or you can read the first fic, _we're gonna run all the lights_ , first.

The way Liam blushes every time someone finds an excuse to use the Punk’d clip, you’d think _he’d_  been the one to have half a tonne of construction material dropped on a replica of his precious car. Louis laughs every time and it’s just a little bit proud. Maybe a lot, actually.  
  
It’s the highest rated episode of Punk’d to air in years. For the next two weeks, it features in nearly all of their interview questions. Just as it’s about to go away, the boypile is parodied on Saturday Night Live with Justin as an over the top hysterical Louis and Liam Hemsworth as a surprisingly convincing Liam, and the car is a tiny model stamped on by accident in a classroom, because the SNL guys are dicks like that, and it goes viral again - this time with parallel shots of the sketch. Justin emails - and tweets, and tells three separate radio shows - that he’d had the time of his life in London, and that ‘man, if Liam or the guys want to come on board for another series of Punk’d, man, it would be, like the greatest. Most epic. Dude is off the  _hook._ ’  
  
Zayn, Harry and Niall - though not once Louis - have to rescue him from questions about his impending presenter-ship of Punk’d in a Beiber double act for weeks. Liam curls into Louis’s shoulder with muttered apologies and ‘never pranking anyone ever again’ each and every time. Louis grins like a cat and runs his hand over Liam’s hair soothingly, though Niall has been refusing to give him Justin’s actual phone number, because he goes a bit pale at the thought of Louis and Justin on Punk’d against the world, or against Niall.  
  
Maybe Louis is enjoying this benevolent forgiveness thing a bit too much, _Zayn,_  but the way that Liam is starting to watch him like he suspects a pod person is just too good to waste.  
  
The whole thing is beyond hilarious.  
  
So hilarious that Louis doesn’t bother pranking him back, not that he hasn’t thought about it, because the world has that under control with its constant reminders of that one time Liam Payne did a mean thing, and it’s not like he’s thought of a prank worth investing in just yet.  
  
He happily admits Liam set a pretty high bar. But Louis has never been one to back down from a challenge.  
  
Though even Louis doesn’t see what happens next coming.  
  
-  
  
Louis and Harry are in the kitchen of Harry’s flat, Harry humming to himself and Louis seeing how many strands of limp spaghetti he can put across Harry’s shoulder before he notices. The answer is a lot.  
  
Niall, Zayn and Liam are in the living room while Louis reaches up into one of the cupboards for the sugar for Liam’s tea. ‘Why do you even bother putting this away again?’  
  
Harry shrugs and the spaghetti strands dance like cheese strings in the advert. ‘Because you have your own flats and you’re going to go there sometime?’  
  
Louis scoffs and walks back to the living room. ‘All the X-box stuff is here.’  
  
‘Thought you were getting tea,’ Niall says from the armchair, where he’s restringing a guitar and refreshing twitter.  
  
‘I made it. You know where it is,’ Louis answers, sitting on the arm of the couch.  
  
Niall and Zayn get up and go through, muttering about cold tea and Louis being a wanker. Louis would happily admit to that one, but it’s not without logic, he thinks, as he slides onto the vacant spot next to Liam on the couch and claims the remote control.  
  
Liam huffs a quiet laugh as Louis smugly loads up the menu of shows recorded while they were away.  
  
Zayn brings Liam’s tea back with him and rolls his eyes at Louis splashed all over his seat, ankle hooked under Liam’s and head on the arm of couch. Zayn claims the other side.  
  
It says way too much about them that not one of the lads told Harry about the spaghetti.  
  
‘New Top Gear, then?’  
  
Liam blanches and Louis would crow internally, but he’s too busy laughing on the outside.  
  
They get to the Star in A Reasonably Priced Car and it’s Sophie Ellis-Bextor, who is fit, and then Niall’s arguing with Harry about Groovejet vs Out of Your Mind, and Zayn is asking them how old were they then, actually, and does it actually matter, while Harry counters that pop music is their job and it’s a _professional interest_  - and everyone but Louis - who actually really likes Top Gear, thanks lads - misses Clarkson’s game of six degrees of separation.  
  
‘So, if we could just go back to 2010 for a minute, Sophie-’  
  
‘Can do, Jeremy, but let me know if you’re about to turn into Paxman!’  
  
‘You toured with Will Young.’  
  
‘That’s right.’  
  
‘And Will Young won Pop Idol.’  
  
‘Yes, he did.’  
  
Sophie Ellis-Bextor is trying very hard not to laugh, and there’s an undercurrent of laughter in the crowd, and Louis is watching but starting to feel like he’s missed a memo.  
  
‘And that was a precursor to X Factor, wouldn’t you say?’  
  
‘I would, I definitely would.’  
  
Given that she’s probably on the show to promote something in a sideways way, Louis thinks she’s being very patient with this particular tangent, though the audience are very much in on it.  
  
Clarkson looks directly into the camera and shrugs, ‘Well, you would, wouldn’t you, if it was your Boxster?’  
  
The audience cheers, Louis jumps on the couch, half-laughing and half ‘I’m on bloody Top Gear shut up about the Spice Wars and watch!’, Liam crumpling next to him with his face in his hands, as the clip rolls of the crane dropping its load onto ‘his’ Porsche.  
  
Harry runs through from the kitchen and lets out a laugh, then reaches for the towel on his left shoulder to dry his hands and shouts, ‘Louis, you bastard, that’s disgusting!’  
  
From there it’s all downhill.  
  
-  
  
So, after looking at some of their @replies and a bit of strategic googling clustered around Niall’s laptop, five sets of hands trying to hit back and enter and ‘no, try this, here, I’ll just -’ they find out that the Top Gear blokes have been finding some really weak excuse to run a clip of the Porsche once a week since the current series started.  
  
Louis is beyond delighted, especially since the first time, they’re basically bowing down to Liam and asking if he wants to trash cars for them, and there’s a _Star Wars_  joke that makes Liam mutter something about ‘never turning to the Dark Side.’  
  
He’s less excited about James May’s dig at his insurance premiums, which are nothing on Harry’s for his bloody £100k Audi, considering he’s two years younger, thank you very much, which isn’t even to mention Zayn’s Bentley Continental GT. He’s practically economical.  
  
He kisses the top of Liam’s head, hand wrapped around his neck, after the fourth clip on youtube (14 million views and counting) and says, ‘Top Gear! Thanks, mate!’  
  
Liam shakes his head, even more dismayed than he was on the day he punk’d Louis, but with an edge of a smile because Louis has his arms around Liam’s shoulders and is practically levitating because _he’s on bloody Top Gear_.   
  
-  
  
The next week, they cut and run out of a TV recording that’s on a Sunday, of all the days, and leg it to the BBC canteen while they’ve mileage in their VIP-visitor passes.  
  
One of Louis’s favourite things about them being international popstars is that the BBC/ITV ice melted about a few months after they hit the big time, and now they get to eat in the BBC canteen and act cool when folk off the telly get up to get a cup of tea and wave to the band.  
  
Harry blushes bright red then effects a recovery if they run into any particular Radio One presenters or anyone willing to talk about the BBC Good Food app, and half the band are supposed to be getting autographs from anyone who’s been near the Strictly set for various family members. It’s the bee’s knees, he doesn’t mind saying. Naturally, the TVs are great as well. They’re …. he asks Niall. High definition Plasma 1080 pie something? Whatever. Big. Shiny. Showing Top Gear.  
  
The fifth guest in the series is Simon Cowell, and they all stop talking instantly and stare at the screen. He sits down on the couch, waves an elegant hand to Jeremy Clarkson before he can say a word and says, ‘Well, you would.’  
  
The audience roars and the clip plays, except this time, because they’ve seen it so many times, Louis and the others can tell where the editors have snipped to make it a very short montage of their most ludicrous facial expressions spliced with the Porsche being crushed in slow motion. The soundtrack is Mercy by Duffy.    
  
This time the camera focuses in on Richard Hammond, who is loudly claiming that this is just cruel, and they must be putting ‘the poor lad off ever owning a car again,’ and continuing to laugh, hanging on to James May’s shoulder. Simon laughs, says something acerbic about how _he_  enjoyed it immensely and the lads look at each other.  
  
‘Hold on,’ Zayn, beacon of sanity and great ideas, says, ‘Why aren’t we tweeting?’  
  
They scramble for their phones, which ends up dumping Liam on the floor and Harry on his lap, mid-tweet, because they’re squeezed around a table with benches for four and it hadn’t occurred to them to get another chair in the half-empty canteen.  
  
-  
  
@Harry_Styles: omg too funny @SimonCowell @Louis_Tomlinson on @BBC_  
  
@Louis_Tomlinson: don’t know what @SimonCowell’s on about, thanks to @RichardHammond for sympathies on my porsche on @BBC_TopGear #crueltoTommo  
  
@RichardHammond: no worries, mate. seen the time they crushed ‘my’ car on tv? cruel. restored every bit of it myself. god, love a porsche. #crueltoTommo #crueltoporsche  
  
@Real_Liam_Payne: is never pranking anyone again.  
  
@zaynmalik: @Louis_Tomlinson @SimonCowell @Real_Liam_Payne @RichardHammond so did our lou-driving his precious this morning see how well he ‘restored’ it?  
  
@NiallOfficial: @ZaynMalik ! BUUUUUUUUURN.  
  
@Harry_Styles: @NiallOfficial @ZaynMalik @Louis_Tomlinson @Real_Liam_Payne @RichardHammond you could high five in the actual room too  
  
[view image: Zayn and Niall’s hands can be seen high fiving, forearms and the top of a head are visible on the table, presumably Liam’s due to the arrow tattoos, Louis’s striped socks are visible on the bench blurred in motion.]  
  
@SimonCowell: As I said, @Louis_Tomlinson, I enjoyed it. Good work, @Real_Liam_Payne & @justinbeiber #crueltoTommo  
  
@Louis_Tomlinson: @SimonCowell what did I ever do to you? #crueltoTommo  
  
@Louis_Tomlinson: yeeeeeaaaaaaah @SimonCowell got you pretty good on XFactor but maybe @Harry_Styles should NOT NICK MY PHONE #crueltoTommo  
  
@RichardHammond: @Louis_Tomlinson @Harry_Styles I know that canteen! Get a cuppa in, will you? Milk and two pls  
  
-  
  
So, the internet sort of maybe explodes, but it’s all good, because #crueltoTommo trends worldwide (ha!), the Beleibers and Directioners band together for one glorious erm, minute, they sign stuff for the Hamster’s daughters in the middle of the BBC canteen and one call to a producer later, yeah, they’re going to do a thing on Top Gear.  
  
Louis is almost scared by how easy it is. And how thoroughly Richard Hammond ruins tea with sugar, but it gets a smile and nudge out of Liam, so.  
  
Liam’s mum texts Louis to say she always did think that Richard Hammond was a nice bloke. Louis’s mum _tweets_ Louis and Liam to tell Liam to ignore him and Simon replies that he loves Louis’s mum. Who invited him on to twitter, anyway? Oh yeah. Oops.  
  
Of course, they tweet pictures. Liam and Louis nudge each other and giggle while making sure they sit Richard Hammond next to Harry for maximum hair effect and get a picture of them both reaching up for their fringes in sync.  
  
-  
  
They’re asked which one of them should go in the reasonably priced car. After Simon Cowell’s glorious return to form in the Kia Cee’d (they watch the youtube clip of the faithful Lacetti being crushed by two giant great towers so often Louis thinks Liam might throw them out of his flat), there’s _pride_ at stake.  
  
They decide on Harry and Zayn, who have been google mapping the test track incessantly since they got the email, and have the most experience driving ridiculous cars to get a pint of milk, but since you can’t just invite two fifths of One Direction, apparently they’re all going to go and … cheer them on, or something. Which is fine by Louis.  
  
He’s been getting suspicious glances from Zayn and Harry, who corner him in the kitchen on the tea run.  
  
‘You all right, mate?’  
  
‘More like what’re you planning?’  
  
There’s a matching eyebrow competition. Louis shrugs and gestures to the tea. ‘Getting cold.’  
  
‘Hmm, yeah, that’s bollocks,’ Harry says to Zayn, who nods. ‘You’d give every stripey t-shirt you own to be on that test track.’  
  
Louis puts a hand over his heart and pats Harry on the arm as he picks up the tea. ‘Maybe it’s the memories.’  
  
Harry and Zayn follow him back to the living room, where Liam and Niall are playing Need for Speed, and puts their tea at their ankles. ‘Don’t kick, okay, Li?’ He says, then tickles Liam’s ankle mercilessly.  
  
Liam loses the race, swears spectacularly and blocks half-heartedly as Louis pounces on his neck. ‘Here I thought I was lucky you weren’t making me go get my own cold tea,’ Liam grins, meeting Louis’s eyes as he elbows him.  
  
Louis lets out an ‘oof’ and swipes the controller. They’re playing winner stays on, after all. Then he looks back at Liam, who’s looking at him directly for the first time in weeks, who said something sharp for the first time in weeks.  
  
Well, shit.  
  
-  
  
Zayn, who doesn’t even live here, as if that matters, knocks on his room door and walks in quickly enough that the knock was bloody pointless.  
  
‘I could have been doing anything,’ Louis protests, grinning, ‘you might have caught an eyeful.’  
  
‘Of something we haven’t all seen before? Doubt it,’ Zayn shoots back, lifting a battered magazine he nearly trips over, sitting on his bed cross-legged and thumbing through it, knees poking out through the designer rips in his ridiculous jeans.  
  
Louis looks at him. This kind of behaviour isn’t entirely unusual but.  
  
‘No, you keep doing …. whatever it was you were doing.’ Zayn doesn’t look up.  
  
Louis can’t actually do that, or Zayn will catch an eyeful, but he’s betting the smart bastard knows that.  
  
‘Unless it’s porn and you’ve got boobs … mammaries … whatever we’re calling them this week on there,’ he follows up. Considering Louis had been the one utterly without shame, and not at all rescuing Liam from his blushes, when he’d wanted an expansion on the question in that interview, it’s a pretty low blow. But, well, Liam had looked mortified, though he’d joined in later, of course.  
  
Louis glares and brings up the tab. It’s an Ebay listing.  
  
‘One owner, low mileage, private reg, rumours of crane crushing exaggerated, auction ending in...’ Zayn’s mouth twitches and Louis can tell he’s caught between thinking it’s very, very funny and very, very not.  
  
Louis, for once, schools his face to neutral and waits. The auction isn’t live yet. And he’s aware that just because he thinks this is the best idea he’s had in a month of Sundays-  
  
‘Couldn’t just put chili in his peanut butter, then?’  
  
Louis shifts on his chair. ‘What? This is going to be brilliant. We’re selling off the Porsche on national tv. It’s going to be best prank back ever, Liam’s going to be so imp-’  
  
Zayn looks like he’s about to say something and stands up. ‘You’re … both idiots. That is all. And I’m hungry.’  
  
Louis is a bit baffled, but he’s also willfully sticking to being baffled, which usually means something inconvenient like an attack of conscience is about to happen, so he texts Harry that he’s going to throw all his pillows at him, then goes and does that.  
  
-  
  
@RichardHammond: hey check out this 2nd hand porsche on ebay! not sure about the crane bit though. ebay.co.uk/kfdlgha-129r8f (@Louis_Tomlinson)  
93,273 retweets ~ 159,004 favourites  
  
-  
  
From there, it’s a ten day auction, and it’s in all the papers, the Management are pretty much furious that 80% of the calls they’re fielding are offline bids from rich parents for the Porsche, and the only people not looking at Louis like they’re not angry, they’re just disappointed, are the PR team and Liam.  
  
That’s because Liam isn’t really looking at him, like, at all.  
  
Which is so much worse.  
  
-  
  
Four days later, he’s drinking tea at 6am, waiting on a car to pick them up to go to the Aerodrome track. The top bid so far on Ebay is £28,750, with six days to go. The lads have been ribbing him about it for days, asking if he’s going to deliver the car to a fan personally, or if he’s going to chicken out of selling it the day before the auction is up.  
  
The early starts aren’t as bad as they were, once. They’ve gotten used to not knowing what day of the week or what time it is and trusting that the car with the security is the one they’re supposed to be going in.  
  
Louis thinks it’ll bite them in the arse, someday, but today is not that day.  
  
Today, in fact, is Top Gear day.  
  
-  
  
They pile into the cars in onesies, which, jokes aside, are bloody comfortable for when you’ve left your bed, but all you really want is to go back to sleep. Which Niall does, curled up around his seat belt and headphones in. Zayn and Liam take the other car, Zayn tugging Liam away after he looks at his feet, and it’s 2010 for a cold minute.  
  
Harry tugs off his sunglasses and raises one single eyebrow at him, propping his feet up on Louis’s knees across the back of the car.  
  
‘Not until I’ve had -’  
  
Harry wordlessly presses a button and an actual tea machine thingy is revealed between the seats. Louis closes his mouth with an audible click and takes the tea.  
  
‘But the driver, and Niall, and-’  
  
‘Niall knows what I’m about to say,’ Harry says, taking a coffee sachet for himself. ‘Everyone knows, Louis. Probably even the driver.’  
  
Louis deflates. It is too early for this. But if Harry’s staring at him like the mature one of the pair, and he’s choosing to do this rather than endlessly go over specs for the Kia Cee’d and graphs of where he should take the corners on the track, then crikey, he must have screwed up.  
  
‘Do you remember when I cried on that ITV special thing? About the twitter stuff?’  
  
Louis looks up, because he wasn’t expecting that. And yes, he remembers it, because it sucked, because Harry shouldn’t cry, because he makes faces that make people sad, and it’s horrible. And seeing it back was almost worse than the actual night it happened, because they all knew each other better.  
  
‘Mate, Liam’s not going to cry to camera anymore, okay? He’s just not.’ And then Harry switches the subject to footie or guitars or something so fast he’s got whiplash, and that’s it, that’s the speech.  
  
Something cold and uncomfortable is in his stomach all of a sudden.  
  
-  
  
See, the thing is, that if Louis were going to get a bit willful about all of this, he’d look at Liam and say, ‘see? Strapping lad. He’s fine. Going with the joke like the rest.’  
  
Except he’s _not_ , now that Louis’s actually looking at him, and maybe, yeah, going on their previous form, Liam kind of could have maybe seen it coming to this, seen the joke getting out of hand and still being told six months down the line, but -  
  
It doesn’t really help now, does it, Louis thinks, looking over to where Harry is explaining the map he’s drawn of how he’s going to kick Zayn’s arse in the time trial by taking corners like  _this_  -  
  
And Liam is turning the map like it’s a steering wheel. He does that with controllers, too, when they’re playing on one of the consoles, and it makes him lean right into Louis’s space, against his shoulder, like it’ll make his car turn any better (it doesn’t). Harry’s letting him lean right in, letting him take the corner of the paper and putting a hand on his lower back, nodding when Liam’s face lights up because he’s getting what Harry’s getting at.  
  
The thing is, right, that Louis’s friendship with Harry has always had this funny protective bit - Christ, they all do it - because he’s the youngest, because he’s the one who takes all the criticism a bit harder than the rest. It makes them do things like shove Harry in the middle of all the line ups and squish him into the couches, even after it felt like he grew half a foot in the middle of the night. Thing is, though, Zayn nearly didn’t make it out of bootcamp because of the dancing thing, and they’ve all thrown up at least once before a live show, and by once, Louis kind of means four or five times. And he knows he’s super-extra-ridiculous in case anyone notices he gets the least vocals, because he’s trying not to be sensitive about that, but when the other four are, well, incredible, it’s not like he always succeeds.    
  
Suddenly, he’s watching Harry turn that protective _thing_  they do on Liam, who they never thought really needed it - or was that just Louis who thought that?  Liam’s standing at the side of a test track with no driving license of his own for no reason other than cheering their ridiculous bandmates on, while wearing a onesie he didn’t want to wear outside in the first place, and Louis doesn’t know what to do about any of it.  
  
He feels a hand on his shoulder and finds Zayn standing beside him, pressing tea into his hands.  
  
‘Yeah, thanks,’ Louis answers, cupping his hands around the warm flask, and Zayn nods.  
  
-  
  
While Zayn and Harry are pulled away to get into driving gear, pick up their soundtracks and ‘meet’ the Stig, the producers bring over honest to God deck chairs with vile neon patterns on them, and set up a gazebo with a barbeque and open a cooler of iced beers and Appletizers.  
  
All of this so they can get a few shots of the bandmates waving from trackside.  
  
Louis is still reeling from feeling like he’s been an absolute _shit_ for months, but the pictures the assistant unit director takes on his smartphone make him laugh and pull Liam’s hood up with a casual touch to his head while he’s at it.  
  
Liam gives him a look as Niall snorts and tries out hashtags for when they tweet the photos.  
  
The AD offers him a beer and he takes it, but before the AD can, Louis leans forward and picks up an Appletizer, which he opens and offers to Liam with a bright smile that he hopes says _I’m not a shit, honest, please, um, yay?_

‘Cheers,’ Liam says, looking him in the eye for the first time that day.  
  
‘Hey, want to piss off Harry?’ Louis asks and Liam looks up warily. ‘Bet Niall’s hungry. Bet we could get this barbeque going and have a roll on egg for breakfast.’  
  
Liam grins and scoots closer, opening the pack of rolls and picking up the matches, as Niall looks up from his phone with a, ‘Good plan.’  
  
Liam tweets the pictures while Harry and Zayn are in stunt driving safety class.  
  
-  
  
@Harry_Styles: @NiallOfficial @Real_Liam_Payne run for cover! hope @BBC_TopGear don’t want their bbq back, @Louis_Tomlinson can’t cook  
  
@ZaynMalik: @Louis_Tomlinson @NiallOfficial @Real_Liam_Payne very nice, lads. save us a bit? #unlikely  
  
-  
  
The second camera unit ends up shooting way more footage of them in onesies, aprons and wellies than the world ever needed but the random barbeque on a grey British day is actually fun. Liam and Louis bicker over eggs and mushrooms and tomatoes and Liam and Niall don’t stop laughing for about ten full minutes when Louis wafts a plate of cooked and fried under the Stig’s ‘nose’ and there’s a grumbly growl before he stomps away.  
  
Then it’s time for Harry and Zayn to go past them at high speed and they wave and jump like idiots every time, and when Harry and Zayn get out of the cars for the second time, they’re climbing all over each other to talk about how exciting it is and can we go again.  
  
Apparently they’ve just got charmed lives or something, because the AD says yes.  
  
-  
  
They’re back at Harry’s and it feels like midnight, even though it’s actually five in the afternoon. Harry is mourning the barbeque that Louis and Liam managed to burn to bits, because they got distracted throwing packets of ketchup at Niall’s head. As you do.  
  
Someone mentions dinner, and while the lads are off hitting up an internet connection to send them food, Louis passes Liam a controller and turns on the xbox.  
  
The main loading screen of Need for Speed comes up and Liam bites his bottom lip. Louis feels that horrible cold thing in his stomach again, now that he’s recognised it for what it is, and bumps his shoulder against Liam’s. ‘Hey, fancy a round of Fight Night instead?’  
  
Liam’s grin is instant and bright, and Louis clambers over him to get the disc from the bookcase next to the couch. He could have gotten up and walked around, he supposes, but whatever.  
  
After the first rounds on two-player Kinect, while Niall, Zayn and Harry take the longest time in the history of ever to order a bunch of pizzas (they’re probably arguing half and half vs combo deals or something) Louis lowers his arms and then raises his arms, palms flat, in surrender.  
  
Liam huffs a laugh and tilts his head. ‘You give in that easily? You never give in.’  
  
Something about the way he says it makes Louis’s heart do funny things. He shakes his head and tries for a grin. ‘Not sure I should be giving you more reasons to punch me.’  
  
Liam looks confused, then wary. ‘Not sure I get you.’  
  
‘Well, I was kind of a brat about the Porsche thing. I mean, I’m the worst one to take a joke badly.’ Louis, who sucks at this whole sincere thing, wants to sit back down on the couch and leave it there, but he probably shouldn’t.  
  
The blush that stains Liam’s cheeks is both adorable and confirmation that he’s been beating himself up for much longer than Louis should have let go on. He actually does feel like a shit.  
  
‘I mean,’ he says, trying to put together something that’s an apology without being an actual apology and also implies he understands why it’s necessary, without talking about, like, feelings. He could be doing better. ‘I mean, it was an amazing prank. You got me. And it was really cool, that it was - you, doing the pranking. I mean. Yeah.’  
  
He really hopes the guys upstairs cannot hear this.  
  
Liam has sat on the couch and looks up at him. ‘You mean that? You weren’t - I totally thought you were pissed. When you put it on Ebay.’  
  
Louis sits down and passes him the controller. ‘Nah. I mean, my actual car, I’d have been pissed? And don’t say it on bloody Top Gear but the insurance on that thing is _fucking horrible._  That was impressive pranking though. I mean. I’m sorry the internet won’t drop it, if it’s bothering you, though, but I’m, yeah, I’m grateful?’  
  
Liam’s mouth forms an ‘o’ before looking at him with suspicion. ‘Grateful. That I pranked you. Is there a camera I should know about?’  
  
Louis sits the controller down and sits cross-legged, facing Liam. ‘No, I mean, look. No prank? No Top Gear. That’s bucket list stuff right there, Payner. So, I mean, thanks.’ Louis awkwardly kind of lunges forward to hug Liam, because it feels weird to not be touching him while they’re talking, like Louis isn’t using all of his persuasive powers for evil or something. Liam takes a minute to get with the hugging programme, but eventually does, and Louis feels a whoosh of air go through him at the same time as Liam lets out a breath. ‘And I really did almost probably deserve it so, yeah, feel proud?’ Louis lets out in one rushed breath.  
  
‘This is the most awkward thing I’ve heard since tent sex! In the tent I was also in!’ comes the shout from the corridor.  
  
‘And my wallet’s in there and the pizza says it’s being delivered!’ comes another shout.  
  
‘Yeah, you’re getting between Niall and food!’  
  
They move apart while Niall is talking about how he’s going to get a complex and it’ll be their fault, and then the living room is full of the band, and pizza, and Louis has Liam’s legs curled up under his own so that Liam has to ask him to pass his glass of juice, and he wouldn’t have it any other way.  
  
-  
  
The Sunday before the Wednesday before the Sunday that the show is due to air, they get another number one. And yeah, things might be moving to download and the top 40 might not be the thing it was when they were growing up, but it’s still _fucking fantastic._  
  
There’s about a million interviews, and suddenly it’s Wednesday and they’re recording, and all five of them are checking Ebay to watch the ridiculous offers come rolling in, even Liam.  
  
They pile onto the ridiculously small couch that’s supposed to fit all five of them, and form a second row with Harry’s pointy elbow digging into Louis’s shoulder, one on his and one on Liam’s next to him.  
  
Liam never used to be so touchy feely as he is, certainly wasn’t back in X-Factor, but now that he’s sure Louis isn’t like, about to hate him or anything, and now that Louis has figured out why he thought _Liam_  thought he was a dick for a bit there, and that Liam didn’t actually think that, it’s like Liam is making up for lost time, and Louis is okay with it. More than okay with it, if he’s honest. He sleeps better in moving cars next to Liam. And he’s going to think about that, honest, when there aren’t cameras and a live studio audience.  
  
It’s usually just Jeremy Clarkson, but this time, Richard Hammond and James May are sitting on a couch of their own, facing them. They go through the usual Cars You’ve Owned and Loved bit with Zayn and Harry.  
  
It doesn’t take long, because they’ve a combined age of 25, according to James May. Harry talks about his beloved secondhand Jeep and then looks like he’s betraying it when Jeremy asks about his Audi. Zayn has to be stopped from talking about his Bentley until the end of the slot, because he really does love that car. Then the Top Gear guys try to convince Niall which car he should buy, because he passed his test the month before, and Niall deflects it with a wicked smile in Louis’s direction. ‘I’m not the only one in the market for a new car, though!’  
  
‘Ah, well, when you put it like that -’  
  
An extended cut of the Punk’d montage plays on a screen that the studio audience, but not the cameras, can see. The band laugh and point at bits like it’s the first time they’ve ever seen it, and Liam draws Louis’s head to his shoulder with a huff as Louis-on-screen starts needing a lot of bleeps and ends up starfished on his own car roof.  
  
Then they cut to the Ebay auction.  
  
‘Oh look at that, closing today! But back to the serious business at hand, lads-’  
  
That, of course, is Harry and Zayn’s runs in the Kia, which are shown in slow motion, interspersed with the Eighties stop smoking self help tape Zayn had been given as a soundtrack, the Willow Smith song about flipping your hair Harry had had on repeat and in fact headbanged to all the way around the track, and shots of the other three pissing themselves laughing in aprons, onesies and the gazebo.  
  
Louis, Liam and Niall try really hard not to laugh, Louis assumes, but they do fail miserably. He hasn’t seen Harry and Zayn look so nervous since the live shows.  
  
‘Well, you’re not total rubbish,’ Clarkson says to them, holding the paper with their times on it. Harry looks like he wants to reach across and steal it, chewing on his lower lip.  
  
‘In fact, Harry, you’re a very respectable 1:45:1, which puts you-’  
  
Harry jumps up and dances while they read that he’s beaten Cameron Diaz and Rupert Grint, but not quite gotten to Simons Cowell or Pegg.  
  
Louis and Niall catch his arms and yank him back down to where he hugs Liam and rubs a hand over his buzzcut, while Zayn visibly frets and the boys make drumroll noises on the couch arms and sing ‘dun dun dun dun’ in some vague harmony.  
  
‘1:44:2, level with Tom Cruise and Simon Cowell, and our second fastest ever Star in A Reasonably Priced Car!’  
  
There’s a bit of chaos, Zayn grinning from ear to ear and asking if he should tweet Simon now or later.  
  
-  
  
@RichardHammond: RT @BBC_TopGear watch to see @onedirection in action TONIGHT! BBC1, 7.30pm  
  
-  
  
They’re in Japan when the episode airs, as chance has it, but Simon has all those connections and Niall is very clever with such things, so somehow, possibly illegally, their iplayer works from Japan.  
  
When they get to the bit after the times, when the Ebay auction ends after a countdown by the studio audience, and Richard Hammond asks if Louis wants the cheque now or later, they shout as loudly as they did when it happened, and Liam laughs and doesn’t let go of Louis til after the credits roll.  
  



End file.
